“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.”

“She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at midnight tonight will the world just skip over to the day after tomorrow? But wouldn’t that still make it tomorrow?”

“We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two.
”

“I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.”

“I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.”

“I am an octopus on four wheels. What are my four free arms for? To better love you, of course.”

“In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.”