“I wouldn’t love you if you were the last Sodomite in Gomorrah.”

“If I could build my own neighbors, I’d have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, “I would tell you, but you wouldn’t understand,” but you wouldn’t understand what you wouldn’t understand.”

“If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!”

“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.”

“Success, if I simply gave it to you, you wouldn’t have the pleasure of taking it.”

“You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.”

“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans in the audience wouldn’t have screamed so loud.”