“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are there—you just have to find them and rearrange the order until you’ve arrived at something romantic, and then you’ll have discovered what I wrote.”

“The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.”

“I found a note I wrote that said “Doctor’s Appointment Tomorrow.” Well, that note is wrong, because that appointment was yesterday.”

“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.”

“I’m sleepin’ in your pee pee, and I’m dreaming of what could be.” That’s just the chorus of a little love song I recently wrote.”

“I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter, which is about what this book is worth—give or take 25 cents.”