“I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.”

“She had a picture of a llama, so under it I wrote, “I didn’t know you knew my brother.”

“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.”

“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.”

“We couldn’t make love, unfortunately, because she was dead. I didn’t kill her, if that’s what you’re wondering. She died long before I was born, and that’s probably the biggest mistake of my life.”

“If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?”

“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”