“I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a mindfuck!”

“. I’d known from that first time we’d talked on the steps at my dad’s beach house that she was a good girl, and I’d liked that about her – so much.”

“I realized I’d learned something about myself. I was like ‘oh man, I’ve let this go’ now I’m starting to talk about it like it’s over and it hadn’t even begun.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one day be a couple, but I’m not going to wear a fishbowl on my head and dream about it. That wouldn’t be fair to me, her, or the goldfish I’d be displacing.”

“To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don’t know whether I’d rather actually be playing golf, or sitting on the green composing haikus about the landscaping.”