“I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.”

“I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.”

“I love the way the color lavender smells, and the way the color salmon tastes. And if there were a color called “fur,” I’d like the way it feels.”

“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?”

“I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”

“I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like it to go. Now, damnit! Fast food simply isn’t fast enough for me. I’m so quick that I need a refill on my drink, and I haven’t even taken a sip.”

“I want a white car that turns red when I’m embarrassed.”