“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts. Makes me feel like a piece of meat—medium rare, with melted cheese on top.”

“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.”

“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.”

“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.”

“I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.”

“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?”

“I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.”