“I’d rate his work at four stars. Of course, he is a general, so maybe I could pin my rating on his lapel.”

“The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.”

“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have a thumb.”

“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like to keep my Meow Factor as close to zero as I can. This system is not to be confused with my HV methodology, where I assign myself a Hooray Value of five.”

“I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.”

“If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.”

“In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.”