“I’d say if you’re using an avocado facial mask before you go to sleep, don’t complain when I want to bring tortilla chips to bed.”

“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.”

“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give it to someone who will. Every other Christmas I get the gift of fruitcake—and I think it’s the same loaf that I gave to that person the year before.
”

“I don’t want to bring it up, but you do live on the top floor and the elevator’s broken. So that’s why I don’t want to bring it up.”

“I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.”

“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”