“If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes. That means I’m three minutes late for dinner!”

“I ate a slice of humble pie, and it tasted like apples.”

“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the real estate agents in town jealous.”

“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.”

“The time is now 3:34. Damn! I’m late for 3:33.”

“Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too”

“Five minutes ago it was five minutes late, and my watch is five minutes slow.”