“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so you don't think me chintzy when you find this card void of cash.”

“It was like having a genie. I'd only get so many wishes.”

“I do wish you girls would reconsider my previous offer. You would be my queens...I could dress you in diamonds from head to toe. The Mole Man has so much bling and no one to share it with.'Please...don't say bling...ever again.”

“I would have offered you a forest of truth, but you wish to speak of a single leaf”

“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...”

“Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one”