“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so you don't think me chintzy when you find this card void of cash.”

“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.”

“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday as me? He’d better, because without me, there’d be nothing for him to celebrate.”

“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.”

“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”

“The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321 Karma Circle, Jax, Fl 32223.”

“Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?
”