“If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.”

“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start a fight during that song.”

“The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.”

“You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.”

“Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!”

“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.”

“If I asked people how many people there are in the world, I’ll bet more than half would reply, “More than half.” True, but would they also know Georgia is a state, a country, and a painter?”