“If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?”

“I can provide a witness who didn’t see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn’t see me anywhere else either, thus showing that I didn’t exist at that moment in time.”

“A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.
”

“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.”

“Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.”

“Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.”

“The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?”