“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.”

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”

“If you tell me I look familiar but you just can’t place it, I’ll tell you that with two ears, two eyes, two lips, and a nose, I just must have one of those faces.”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.”

“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.”

“Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for years and years, a few of them even before he died.”