“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”

“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!”

“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.”

“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.”

“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”