“If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.”

“If I could rotate my neck 180 degrees, like an owl, I'd go around wearing backwards baseball caps, just to mess with people.”

“My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d recommend wearing flip flops.”

“If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.”

“Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?”

“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches out.”

“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!”