“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.”

“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

“Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.”

“Sit in a small chair. It’s easier to have people to look up to this way.”

“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.”

“If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers through his hair.”

“All drivers run red lights the same way—with a glance in the rearview mirror to see if a cop saw them. I love the same way—with a sense of defiance, urgency, emergency, and caution that comes too late.”