“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.”

“If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”

“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.”

“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”

“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped like a tree.”

“I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.”