“If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.”

“If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.”

“If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.”

“I want my last 50 years on this earth to be amazing. Of course, I still want to have 150 years before those last 50 years begin.”

“I asked myself a question, but I wouldn’t answer, because it was too personal. I wish I had a clone, so he could answer for me.”

“It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.”