“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.”

“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d be a molestache.”

“If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.”

“I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as it is for me to pretend to be me.”

“I keep the ketchup in the fridge, though from now on I’m going to keep in the bottle. Less messy, I figure.”

“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better lover—and I made it out of clay.”

“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but that’s life, no?”