“If I didn’t have any pants on, I’d let you taste my pantslessness.”

“I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of the universe.”

“Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.”

“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.”

“I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off your pants and wash up.”

“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”

“If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.”