“If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.”

“If I had a street named after me, I’d carry that around instead of a driver’s license for ID. You are what’s named after you.”

“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”

“If an ambulance gets in a wreck, who drives them to the hospital? Why doesn’t the hospital drive to them? I volunteer to drive, and the volume of speeding tickets I have shows I'm qualified to get there in a rush.”

“If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.”

“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.”

“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.”