“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.”

“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so you don't think me chintzy when you find this card void of cash.”

“I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while I only have one answer: I do. Now I just have to wait for the perfect question to use it on.”

“I have a great golf swing. I just wish I had someone to push me on it.”

“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.”

“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.”

“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.”