“If I had to live my life over, I’d live it over seas, like a cloud.”

“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”

“My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.”

“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.”

“There’s no room in my life for a woman. I mean I live in a closet, and I suppose I could squish my clothes over and she could squeeze in, but where is she supposed to put her clothes? And her shoes, what about her shoes?”

“If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.”

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”