“If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get water with no ice. Ah, but that’s life, no?
”

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”

“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.”

“I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don’t have much influence, as you could tell if you saw the meal I was just given: two packets of saltine crackers and a glass of water (ice not included).”

“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona iced tea, so all I have to offer you to drink is water that’s been redirected from the Colorado River through a series of pipes and political litigation.”

“I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.”

“I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.”