“If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option in a two-party political system.”

“I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.”

“Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.”

“In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.”

“I’m a 33rd degree mason, which is one degree above freezing.”

“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.”

“I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.”