“If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.”

“I like making money. I make it out of wood. I make nickels mostly.”

“Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.”

“You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.”

“I want to go to Sing Sing prison. I’ll bet they’ve got a good chorus.”

“My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.”

“I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.”