“If I shake your hand, will I get my fingerprints all over your fingertips? I hope not. Otherwise the crime scene, and the shaft of my penis, is riddled with my fingerprints.”

“I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.”

“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”

“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.”

“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.”

“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?”