“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.”

“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can heat up my loneliness and enjoy it for dinner tomorrow night.”

“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.
”

“There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.”

“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your plate.
”

“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so I ignored the knock and that’s why I’m glad it wasn’t her. I wouldn’t want to have ignored the very person I wanted to show up.”

“If I could build my own neighbors, I’d have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, “I would tell you, but you wouldn’t understand,” but you wouldn’t understand what you wouldn’t understand.”