“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!”

“Sometimes I give automated responses to people without even listening to what they say. For example, someone might tell me, “Enjoy the movie,” and I’ll say, “Thanks, you too.” Or, someone will say, “Enjoy your meal,” and I’ll reply, “Thanks, I wish I were eating your pussy.”

“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.”

“I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.”

“When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.”

“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago. I needed a plan. I needed an event to take her to. What did I think I was going to do, ask her out to coffee?”

“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a cat. Ever." Second he told me, "Friendly boys make friendly friends." Finally he said, "You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him." "So," I said, "you were adopted?" "Of course not!" he replied. "Your father's not my son, just like he's not your father." And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can't own a cat.”