“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection.
”

“If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.”

“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.”

“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”

“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.”

“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?”

“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.”