“If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now.”

“She had breasts that sagged to her knees. But that's ok, because when it got cold, I could see her nipples through her kneepads.”

“If my penis were big enough to be mistaken for a leg, I am not sure I'd want the world to know. However, I would walk up and down the stairs a lot. What you'd call masturbation, I'd call exercise.”

“I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.”

“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.”

“If I can just find my wife’s foot under the covers, I know everything will be OK. Then I can put that foot where I hid the rest of her body.”

“The people at the party forgot I was standing there. But it’s OK, because I forgot I was standing there too.”