“If I were the King’s official mapmaker, I’d also be the second largest landholder (after the King, of course). Would I own the land? Of course—just look at all the official maps.”

“If I only had one eye, I’d look at my other eyeball with my good eye. It would be in a jar on the dresser, of course, right next to my detachable penis.”

“I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans.”

“I wish trash were treasure, because then I’d be a garbage collector and king.”

“On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of morons were, so I figured I’d fit right in if I looked like an idiot.”

“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a cat. Ever." Second he told me, "Friendly boys make friendly friends." Finally he said, "You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him." "So," I said, "you were adopted?" "Of course not!" he replied. "Your father's not my son, just like he's not your father." And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can't own a cat.”

“If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!”