“If love looked like a deer, smelled like a deer, and ran like a deer, then I wouldn't passively wait for it to find me. Nope, I'd seek it out at 60 MPH, and then run it over.”

“I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.”

“If love smelled like cheese, as some people assume it does, then I'd rather be a goat and make love all day long.”

“We stand at the doors and look out over the yard. Hundreds of deer gaze back at us. Deer and deer and deer and deer and deer. Their blue chests heave in the dark. Their trembling cotton throats.”

“I have a mustache like a squirrel and you just ran over my face.”

“I love the smell of cleanliness. That’s what the inside of my nostrils smell like, naturally.”

“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”