“If love smelled like cheese, as some people assume it does, then I'd rather be a goat and make love all day long.”

“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.”

“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.”

“Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.”

“If love looked like a deer, smelled like a deer, and ran like a deer, then I wouldn't passively wait for it to find me. Nope, I'd seek it out at 60 MPH, and then run it over.”

“I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.”

“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an overstuffed sofa.”