“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.”

“If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.”

“If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.”

“As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.”

“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”

“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.”

“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”