“If my initials were Y.E.S., I’d probably go around smiling all the time.”

“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if my name were Funnalingus, well, I’ll let you figure out what I’d enjoy.”

“If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.”

“If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because they’re all five minutes fast and I want to know exactly how much time I have left so I can use it wisely.”

“If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.”

“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.”

“If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.”