“If my penis were big enough to be mistaken for a leg, I am not sure I'd want the world to know. However, I would walk up and down the stairs a lot. What you'd call masturbation, I'd call exercise.”

“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.”

“If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now.”

“How big is my penis? Big enough to touch my hands.”

“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”

“Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.”

“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.”