“If my penis were big enough to be mistaken for a leg, I am not sure I'd want the world to know. However, I would walk up and down the stairs a lot. What you'd call masturbation, I'd call exercise.”

“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.”

“In the old days, before I was married, or knew a lot of women, I would just pull down all the shades and go to bed for three or four days. I'd get up to shit. I'd eat a can of beans, go back to bed, just stay there for three or four days. Then I'd put on my clothes and I'd walk outside, and the sunlight was brilliant, and the sounds were great. I felt powerful, like a recharged battery. But you know the first bring-down? The first human face I saw on the sidewalk, I lost half my charge right there.”

“More than anything in this world, I wish I had been born rich. It would have made up for everything. I'd still be ugly, sure, but I'd be rich and ugly. I'd still be weak and dim and tongue-tied with women, but I'd be rich enough for them not to care. I'd no longer be a social misfit, I'd be eccentric. And most of all, I'd no longer be what I was, I'd be something different.”

“I'd die for you. You know that. But would I kill someone innocent? What about a lot of innocent lives? What about the whole world? Is it really love to tell someone that if it came down to picking between them and every other life on the planet, you'd pick them?”

“If there had been an exercise I'd liked, would I have gotten this big in the first place?”