“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.”

“The best thing to do with a seven-year-old is wait until they’re eight to tell them to wait until they’re 18 to start living life.”

“If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter day. I’ll let you borrow them sometime, maybe even this summer. I recommend wearing them in conjunction with my Sensitivity Pants, which are so tight they show the emotion betrayed by your crotch.”

“My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.”

“Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.”

“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”

“A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.
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