“If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I’d shake things up.”

“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”

“If I knew beforehand that I’d need a good backhand, I’d never have taken up tennis. Or bitch slapping.”

“I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

“If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like rage.”

“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.”