“If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.”

“I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.”

“If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.”

“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.”

“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.”

“If you were to talk about your nose, I’d take everything you’d say at face value.”

“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.”