“If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.”

“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.”

“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.”

“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

“If I had a street named after me, I’d carry that around instead of a driver’s license for ID. You are what’s named after you.”

“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped like a tree.”

“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would be Nicholas Parks.”