“If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.”

“Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?”

“Pillow talk always puts me to sleep. I’d rather chat about bed sheets, which can be converted into capes.”

“If your nipples were on your eyelids, then and only then would I give you eye contact while you are talking to me.”

“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.”

“I found the skeleton of a caveman a few years back. Miraculously, it had skin and hair still attached, and amazingly my archaeological discovery actually talked to me saying, “Jarod, when are you going to stop mooching off your mother and me?”

“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.”