“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.”

“I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.”

“I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune telling prowess is improving.”

“I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.
”

“I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.”

“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?”

“If I could build my own neighbors, I’d have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, “I would tell you, but you wouldn’t understand,” but you wouldn’t understand what you wouldn’t understand.”