“If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter day. I’ll let you borrow them sometime, maybe even this summer. I recommend wearing them in conjunction with my Sensitivity Pants, which are so tight they show the emotion betrayed by your crotch.”

“I collect sounds. I store most of them in my ears, but some, like the sneeze, I store in my nose. If you wear a rain slicker and some rubber gloves, I’ll show you my collection sometime.”

“You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam”

“I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them because they are so bright. They’re almost as blinding as my love for you, only not as runny.”

“I don’t know how to say it without saying it, so I’ll just not say it. Or I could show it, because that’s the only way to make love visible.”

“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants, for instance, and while you’re pondering that, take a moment to gaze at my penis.”

“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE.”