“If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!”

“If you replace the letter "s" with the letter "x," you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, "fences" would become "fencex," and I'd say good fencex makes good neighbors.”

“A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.”

“We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become redundant.”

“Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about a thousand words from a rambler vs. 500 words from Mark Twain? He could say the same thing quicker and with more force than almost any other writer. One thousand words from Ginsberg are not even worth one from Wilde. It’s wild to declare the equivalency of any picture with any army of 1,000 words. Words from a writer like Wordsworth make you appreciate what words are worth.”

“Don’t just compare yourself to the best, compare yourself to the average man and also to yourself when you started out. Compare yourself to the best so you have a goal of what to surpass, compare yourself to the average man so you gain confidence in your abilities, and compare yourself to where you were so you can appreciate how far you’ve come—and gauge how far you have to go to be the best and how long it will take.”

“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.”