“If you make guns illegal, the only people who will have them will be criminals—and the government, which of course is the same thing.”

“If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The other thing is, of course, two. That makes the one thing love, because two is the smallest number you can have to get the one.”

“This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will be great. You then write 11 things, of which two of them will be great. Then you write 12 things, of which four of them will be great. Then you write 13 things, of which eight of them will be great. Finally you write 14 things, of which 16 of those 14 things will be great. 
”

“How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.”

“Is it better to win over the hearts and minds of the people, or imprison them and torture them into telling you they love you? These are the tough decisions a future tyrant, I mean President, may have to make.”

“The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to shape up, they should be imprisoned. Nothing is healthier for society than more government regulation.”

“I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.”