“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.”

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
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“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!”

“She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?”

“If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.”

“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the beach, please.” To which the bartender responds, “Sorry, but I’m afraid your penis is too big for me.” “That’s no problem,” the elephant says as he smiles, “how about a double shot of Don’t worry, I brought a few gallons of anal lube.”