“If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.”

“Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s why they’re dusty, because my feet, unfortunately, were not made for dancing. My feet were made for making wine, and that’s why my walk is intoxicating.”

“I took my shoes for a walk. They’re furry and they bark.”

“In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.”

“In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled with secrets.”

“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.”

“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”