“If you were to stack up all the stupid things I’ve done, you couldn’t clean them with a thousand dishwashers.”

“I’ve got washboard abs. Go ahead, get rid of your dishwasher.”

“You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.”

“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.”

“Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn’t even tell that I was chumming the water with ketchup, rather than blood.”

“By day I’m a dishwasher in a suit. By night I’m a dishwasher in pajamas.”

“If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t have done that.”